My Rare Cancer Gave Me Permission to Live

On a beautiful day in 2007, I decided at the last minute to participate in Chicago’s Annual Cancer Survivor’s Celebration Walk in Grant Park. For those who have never been to Chicago, Grant Park is where we have many of our summer events, festivals and concerts. Home of The Buckingham Foundation, the park has a beautiful tapestry of gardens and trees with the backdrop of Lake Michigan. Traffic on weekends in Chicago can be brutal not to mention the agony of finding reasonably priced parking that doesn’t require a long walk or taking a cab to your final destination. Knowing this, I should have planned earlier but I was unsure of my ability to complete a 5K walk after only 3 months post-surgery. It didn’t help that I was walking alone.

I didn’t invite anyone to walk with me since many friends grew distance after I was discharged from the hospital which is when the real work of survivorship begins. Suddenly, your schedule is filled with a constant cycle of follow up exams, MRIs and bloodwork giving you both hope and uncertainty at the same time. Battling cancer changed me and it changed my relationships as well which helped me to accept that some friendships would not survive my cancer.

Sometimes, cancer has a way of bringing out the best in the patients but the worst in everyone else. Nonetheless, I realized later that taking this walk alone would become an amazing turning point in my recovery.

After driving from the suburbs to downtown Chicago, I parked in Northwestern Memorial Hospital’s garage which fortunately, had parking validation for the event. Thankfully, I was also able to take the last shuttle to Grant Park. Upon arriving at the registration tent, I was greeted by a woman who asked me how long had I been a survivor?” I learned that day that survivor status is based on the date of your diagnosis because it signifies a new chapter in a person’s life, marked by the challenges and triumphs of living with or beyond cancer. She was impressed by my 10-month journey and excited that I was able to participate. 

However, answering her next question was not as enjoyable. She wanted to know who was walking with me. I glanced away hoping to conceal the tearing up in my eyes as I answered, “No one.” Recognizing my attempt to hide my emotions, she shifted the conversation by saying, “well, today, you are not walking alone because you are surrounded by hundreds of individuals celebrating your and their journey. I immediately perked up and started the 5K walk.

Walking along beautiful Lake Michigan, I was encouraged by volunteers cheering me on and ready to provide Gatorade as needed. There were huge posters with inspiring words from various cancer survivors placed at different sections along the route. As I strolled along at a steady pace, I enjoyed reading each quote until I read one that stopped me dead in my tracks. It read, “When some people get cancer, they start preparing to die, I started living.” I stood there moved to tears thinking the tears I held back at the registration desk finally pushed through. But actually, these were new tears.

These were tears grieving the loss of so many years wasting time dealing with negativity, toxic people, staying in bad situations too long, and keeping unhealthy friendships long beyond their expiration date. I realized that I was not living life abundantly by staying the shadows of the expectations of others instead of doing what truly brought me joy in life. I decided in that brief moment with great determination that whatever time I had left on this earth, I would live being true to myself, make peace with my past, create new dreams to follow, and enjoy the beauty and gift of each new day.

Instead of saying one day I will do something, I decided to make one day, a do it NOW day. Essentially, in the full essence of that inspiring moment, I gave myself permission to live.