Looking Back on the Shock of a Multiple Myeloma Diagnosis

What is the first emotion that comes to mind about your cancer journey?

For me, the strong emotion that I choose is shock!

Shock is defined as a sudden, unexpected or startling event or experience that leaves one feeling unsettled. Two vivid memories come to mind: the moment I received the diagnosis and being in the hospital for the first time.

My first memory of that moment is vivid: the sheer disbelief and lack of comprehension as I grappled with the possibility of having cancer. The phone call from my doctor felt surreal, his voice urging me to contact an oncologist reverberating in my mind. As I hung up, my wife, Heather, stood beside me, tears streaming down her face, a silent testament to the gravity of the situation. Cancer was a familiar shadow in Heather's family, a specter she had confronted before. In contrast, my family's health history was predominantly marked by struggles with heart and lung issues. This diagnosis felt like an alien intrusion into my life, something I never imagined would touch me.

My second memory: The cold, sterile environment of the hospital was overwhelming as I found myself there for the first time, having been admitted through the ER in the wee hours of 3 a.m. It was my neighbor, Lee, who strongly suggested that we head to the ER during this quiet time. He assured us that the atmosphere would be calm and serene, with a fresh shift of doctors ready to attend to patients.

So, with the MRI CDs in hand, Heather and I climbed into a taxi. The city was cloaked in a cool, predawn stillness, the streets mostly empty. As we made our way to Columbia Presbyterian, nestled near the majestic span of the George Washington Bridge, the taxi's engine hummed softly, lulling us into a momentary peace amidst the anxiety of the unknown. At the hospital, the fluorescent lights cast a harsh glow, and the beeping of machines filled the air. After being taken to my hospital room, one particular doctor stood out — a very pregnant woman who moved with a gentle grace. Her presence was comforting, almost ethereal, like an angel sent to deliver important news. Her calm demeanor and reassuring voice made the daunting experience a little less intimidating. She forewarned me that a parade of doctors and specialists would visit me. And true to her word, I was astounded by the procession of physicians and consultants that continuously streamed in to check on me, each wearing their white coats and holding clipboards filled with notes.

Following the endless series of MRIs, blood tests and a multitude of assessments, the ultimate procedure was the bone marrow biopsy. This is the definitive test to determine the diagnosis of multiple myeloma. The room was filled with apprehension and uneasiness, yet it was the presence of the gentle angel of the same doctor who was with child that brought me both surprise and relief. Her delicate hands, steady and practiced, carried out the procedure right there in my hospital bed, assisted by a diligent aide. As the needle pierced my hip bone, I tuned into my meditation music, the soft, soothing melodies weaving a cocoon of calm around me. I begin to chant “Om mani padme hum, OM MANI PADME HUM!” I repeated the words over and over, first under my breath, then loudly enough for everyone in the hallway to hear, as if the sound of my own voice could shield me from what was coming — this procedure that would reach into places I'd rather keep private.

There is a vast landscape of emotions to navigate when it comes to our health journey. Embracing mindful practices like meditation allows us to delve into the depths of our minds, fostering a sense of inner calm and clarity. Attending support groups brings a sense of community and understanding, where shared stories and empathetic listening weave a tapestry of camaraderie and reassurance. These practices help me to maintain a delicate equilibrium, reducing stress and nurturing a harmonious balance in my life.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience and perspective. For medical advice, please consult your health care provider.

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