Writing Helped Me Heal After Pancreatic Cancer

Cancer not only rips our bodies apart, but it also shreds us emotionally. Before cancer, most of us may be somewhat conceited, self-assured, and ever so proud of ourselves for who we’ve become. We assure ourselves we know what we’re doing and where we’re headed. We’re captains of our ships, in control of our destinies. Post-cancer, most nights are filled with dread. We sneak peeks at obituaries, rubbernecking to see what took someone out. Sadly, this type of voyeurism serves little good. Rather than relishing life, we live in fear that our cancer will come back and finish us off.

While in some cases our talented doctors can repair our bodies, there is little they can do to fix the emotional carnage cancer leaves in its wake. Thankfully, many clinics now offer mental health services or do referrals to therapists who specialize in working with cancer survivors. But therapy alone is often not enough. Unlike restoring our bodies, as hard as it may be to believe, restoring us emotionally is far thornier. Where a physical issue may be healed with a simple procedure or prescription, most emotional things require far more. Worse, they don’t show up in an exam or on a scan. They are insidious. They show up in how we act. Things like excessive worry or lack of sleep are but two of the many signs we are in the emotional ditch.

Being a former military officer, a driven Type-A male, hopefully not too toxic, I lived to work. It was nothing for me to pull an 80-hour week and then be ready to do it all over again the next week. Yes, it was all about action. No excuses for not getting stuff done.

Horrendous gut pain sent me scurrying to the ER. Hours later, I got the news no one wants: “I’m sorry, you have pancreatic cancer.” Stupidly, I continued to work through a hideous surgery to remove my tumor, followed by a month in the hospital, months of radiation and chemo, and then complication upon complication. After a year of this, I had to quit working to allow my body to heal. Did I say driven?

Not having work to feed my ego, I wondered who I was. To come to terms with my new reality, I stumbled into writing as a way of healing by writing a memoir about my journey, where I explored both the emotional and spiritual sides of it. It was through this that I began to heal fully.

I have since discovered a book, “Writing as a Way of Healing” by Louis DeSalvo, where she explores why writing is so vital and how it can heal us. I’ve read others, but this is by far the best one. So if you are struggling to heal emotionally, as I was, or simply want to improve your writing, get this book. You won’t regret it.

Some tips:

Write to sort it out.

I love what legendary writer Joan Didion once wrote, “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” Forced to put my tornado of confusion into words, everything started to become clear. I began to understand what was happening to me and what it all meant. Most importantly, what I needed to do to get through it.

Cut loose.

Type or handwrite as fast as you can. No editing allowed. No one will read your first, second, or even umpteenth drafts. In many cases, no one will ever read anything you’ve written. Holding back will stop you from flushing out all the emotional turmoil you keep burying because it’s too ugly to face.

Be honest.

Sorry, writing about how wonderful your cancer experience was is a lie. For those who have been through this, some days are at best okay. Most days suck. While memories of our bad days fade over time, when I write, I focus on putting myself back then, when I wondered if I was going to make it. Spoiler alert: Most of us who face pancreatic cancer only see two years, few see five. For me to still be here after a dozen years is a miracle, a true unicorn event.

Share your writing with someone close to you, or better yet, your therapist.
Much care is needed here. Not everyone will or can understand what you’ve been through. We all have our issues. Your writing may be helpful for you, but not all that helpful to someone else. Or worse, your writing may trigger a negative reaction from them. This can undermine the whole reason for writing to heal. Thankfully, our therapists are trained to deal with our raw emotions.

For me, writing is an outlet. While I still write for myself, I now mainly write for the many people out there who are deep in their cancer journeys and are unable to put into words how alone they feel in all that is happening to them. Feeling helpless in the face of our cancer is terrifying. Fear grips us. This said, if you feel things are closing in on you, seek out professional help.

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