Scares Never Seem to Go Away

It has taken me 16 years, but I’m finally truly coming to grips with the fact that I’m living with a chronic cancer that will be with me for the rest of my life. Even now, when I’m off my medication for a kind of “remission” and feeling superficially cancer-free, I’m reminded again that it’s still part of me.

I see a dermatologist every six months for a full body check because I’ve had basal cell and squamous cell lesions in the past. For last few years, I’ve had some pre-cancer areas that were treated and resolved.

I confidently went for my body check recently, feeling on top of things and walking in with no concerns. Then I heard, “Oh, this definitely looks like a basal cell! See … let me shine this light on it and show you the pearly essence.”

My heart sank a bit hearing this dreaded news — again. The PA said she thought she could remove it all, but, of course, it still had to be biopsied to confirm she was correct.She told me she thought she did, but if not, I might have to come back. I was told it would take a week to 10 days.

After two weeks, I began to assume all was fine. Still, I decided to call and confirm. The nurse told me they did not get it all and I would need to have further excision.

After not hearing anything for so long, I hoped and believed all was fine, but deep down, I knew I needed to confirm it. These are the times I’m reminded that cancer is always part of my life. It will never fully go away. I never know when it will rear its ugly head. Once again, I found myself playing the waiting game, but feeling like I was most likely “safe.”

This is what I mean when I say the scares just never go away. I was quite surprised, but I am ultimately happy that this little spot that I thought was nothing was found early and will be taken care of now. It also reinforces how important it is to keep up with these body checks, even when I feel sure everything is fine.

One time in the past, I said to my Mohs surgeon, “No offense, but I really don’t ever want to see you again!”

He smiled gently and replied, “I’m very sorry, but you most likely will. The prevalence is increased with your kind of lymphoma, unfortunately.” I was quite surprised.

I’ve learned to cope by not letting these scares dominate my daily life. I don’t want to lose all the good moments by constantly worrying about what might come next. I have mentioned before, but I feel it bears repeating that each morning, I give myself about 15 minutes to feel gratitude and give voice to my worries. Then I move on with my day and place those fears on the back burner. This didn’t just happen overnight — it took time, effort and awareness. I had to understand that this was the only way to truly live each day fully, or else precious time would be needlessly lost. For me, it’s a lesson worth repeating. It’s how I keep these scares from taking over my life.

Even after all these years, I’ve accepted that the scares will never completely go away — but neither will my resilience. Every new test, every anxious wait, every small scar reminds me not just of what I’ve faced, but of how far I’ve come. Cancer may always be a part of my story, but it doesn’t get to write the ending. I do — each day I choose to live with gratitude, faith and the quiet courage to keep moving forward.

This piece reflects the author’s personal experience and perspective. For medical advice, please consult your health care provider.

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