My Lung Cancer Journey: With Family, Friends and Medical Professionals

Those who have close family and friends, we maintain contact as much as possible, meeting for coffee and periodically going out to dinner. Our time together is highly valued. When we can't be together, we talk or message one another.

However, a cancer diagnosis changes things, many things. Doctor's appointments, body scans, and blood tests result in more time spent in hospitals and cancer centers, and less time at the gym, even for those of us who felt perfectly healthy when diagnosed. We soon experience fatigue, nausea, and some pain due to a variety of side effects from the treatment we receive. The changes in day-to-day lives for some, myself included, were massive. And to some degree, our lives would never be the same.

The discrepancy between our former friends’ ongoing lives and the uncertainty we face sometimes makes it hard for a relationship to survive. Many individuals become connected because of what they have in common, but those commonalities no longer exist. A woman may send her co-worker, a new cancer patient, a nice “Thinking of You” card soon after the diagnosis and then begin wondering whether she did the right thing. The “bestie” can’t wait to be back to work but struggles with the side effects of her chemotherapy. She also feels reluctant to text her close friend, wondering whether the folks back at the office want to hear her story, which by then has become a significant part of her life.

Hopefully, the patient/coworker will soon reach remission, the two friends will be able to share their unique experiences, and the friendship will be saved; but maybe not.

I’ve thought long and hard about the effect of relationships on the cancer journey, and vice versa. My three adult daughters were loving and supportive to me, yet, as a mom, I was too upset to share with them the challenging details of my experience. My husband is a kind man, but he went through his own coping issues. I struggled with losing some casual friendships yet felt an increased affinity in others.

Issues in my childhood family resulted in a lack of quality bonds between myself and my siblings; however, I was still disappointed when my sister and brother seemed to have no concept that I was suffering from more than a bad cold. How I wished we were close, especially at that challenging time in my life!

A close friend of mine, from our church support group, who seemed to have a wonderful supportive family of origin, made a comment about her experience during her husband’s challenging pancreatic cancer journey. She said, “My family wanted to help me, my husband, and son, but they just “didn’t get it.” Apparently, it takes more than a supportive family in normal times to “be there” when a family member is diagnosed with cancer, especially a life-threatening one.

My lung cancer was life-threatening, and surprisingly a casual friend reached out to me. She wanted to take me to the nearby Starbucks and treat me to anything there that tasted good to me at the time. Likely, making the call had not been easy for her; she clearly wanted to let me know how much she cared, but I felt uncomfortable, as well as fatigued, and I said, “No.”

As I healed, I thought back to the compassionate call that I had received almost a year earlier. That’s when I heard that my younger cousin had received an esophageal cancer diagnosis. I remembered my cousin only as a little girl but decided to contact her. After all, I had always wanted a larger, closer family! I sent her several short texts, then we started sharing longer texts and emails. We now talk weekly and hope to meet soon.

I am blessed to have a Primary Care Physician who is truly a friend to me. I have the utmost respect for him medically and as a good man. He’s there for me both as a person and as a patient.

But it may not be possible for oncologists to have true empathy for their patients. It’s certainly not easy. I have had two oncologists, my first an amazing inspiration to his patients, but empathy came harder for him. My current oncologist has respect and sympathy but can’t quite get into the patient experience. I realize now that’s not surprising. He hasn’t been one.

Then within the past month I read essays by two oncologists, each who had received a cancer diagnosis. One was young; in his 20s when diagnosed. Now a medical oncologist, he was hired into his first position soon after becoming a Colon Cancer survivor. The other doctor has fortunately survived multiple cancer diagnoses during his long career as a radiation oncologist. Now in his 70s, he, as well as his younger peer, expressed their thankfulness for being able to connect with their patients on all levels: medically, physically, and emotionally.

This morning, I got good news from another of my cousins, this one on the other side of my family. Almost three years ago, he and I got to know each other, after not having contact for a long time. His message to me this morning was, “My Ca 19 9 (pancreatic cancer blood test) as of last Thursday’s blood draw, says I am back in remission.”

God is good!

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