Cancer Makes Me Look at Life Differently

Today, I virtually watched the funeral of my dearly loved aunt. It was a very difficult day because she wasn’t an aunt by blood, but since I had no extended family due to the Holocaust, she was the closest family I had outside of my parents and my sister.

Unfortunately, I knew the end might be near, but I couldn’t see her in person due to new health issues of my own and I couldn’t attend the funeral for the same reason. With my small lymphocytic lymphoma(SLL) comes restrictions at certain times. This was one of them. Of course, I know my health has to take precedence. These are the times, however, when having chronic cancer is difficult for me. I felt angry that I couldn’t be there to see her before she died. I felt resentful that I always have to work everything around my intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG) treatments and my SLL as new health issues arise that need to be checked out — due to my history, as I am always told. I felt frustrated and agitated with my family and friends today because I knew no one could make me feel better. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Thank goodness, I have all of you who take your precious time to read what I write.

This time, I needed to write this blog, to vent and complain, which is unlike me. This time, I need to focus on trying to reframe this because I am well aware that these negative feelings aren’t healthy for me. This time, I needed to remind myself how lucky I was to have her in my life, and I know she would have wanted me to take care of myself.

The forum of this blog is to uplift others, but it has to be honest too. You have to know that I always try my hardest to be optimistic and I try to raise the spirits of others. I now need to take some of my own advice. I have to remind myself that 15 years ago I thought I maybe had only 10 years to live. I was sure my sister and my aunt would be the ones attending my funeral. Now, they are both gone, and I must remind myself how lucky I am that I celebrated 15 years last month due to the advancement of modern medicine. My sister had a sudden stroke and heart attack at 72 years old. Nothing could have helped her. My aunt lived to be 86 years old, a child Holocaust survivor herself. I know that I was lucky to have both of them in my life and that no one lives forever. No one knows who will go first, that’s for sure.

Sometimes having cancer makes you look at life differently. Usually, it helps me to be accountable for living a meaningful life each and every day. We are all human, however, and there are times we need to allow ourselves to go deep enough to feel those feelings and know it’s OK.

There are times when I need this blog way more than it needs me. Thank you for being there for me this time.

May the memory of Sonya Setren always be for a blessing. 

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