A Season of Setbacks and Thanks With Metastatic Breast Cancer

The last couple of months of the year is when we eagerly talk about giving thanks, even if we have to search hard for things to do in our rapidly changing world. But 2024 has been rough for me, with personal losses and changes making gratitude both more difficult and something I’ve had to more actively practice getting through some of these days.

That “active practice” has meant that even when I am struggling and only feel like complaining, I still complain. I also remind myself that there are memories for which I am grateful that can only make my future more whole. This is truly how it has been for me for the past 10 years living with metastatic cancer — plenty to rightfully be unhappy and angry about side by side with more positive and joyful emotions.

I’ve had to remind myself that personal health-related setbacks are not always permanent setbacks. They may be short-lived or a bit longer, but just as I’ve experienced with the challenges of cancer, the expression that “the only way is through it” echoes often in my mind. There have been other difficult times like this since I was diagnosed. Sometimes they are because of a beloved friend’s death or anxiety over my own treatment but, without being too Pollyanna-ish, I try to frame struggles as an opportunity to learn how to manage tough things, even though the result may not be what you hoped.

I guess if I expect growth only through positive events then, for me, there is little point in the idea of gratitude (although just to be clear, I’m not turning down those good times). As a result, my gratitude is wide-ranging but also super-specific, and sometimes it requires a lengthy explanation even when I think about it to myself.

For example, late this summer, I strained my knee while kayaking and camping on the wild Salmon River, which was something I loved and will be forever grateful for. Followed by this, was a fall at home that possibly further injured my knee and broke my top two front teeth.

Unable to walk without pain and missing most of those teeth, I made my way to the emergency room, where, naturally, the focus was on my cancer diagnosis and what a fall might mean in terms of bleeding and metastasis.

I, on the other hand, was focused on the pain around my mouth and the fact that my front teeth were suddenly gone.

The doctors’ more serious concerns raised my anxiety but the “normal” and “unremarkable” findings from the tests provided a rush of relief and gratitude. I could have my teeth fixed and my knee would eventually recover with rest and physical therapy. And, while a head injury or brain metastases can also be treated, the reminder that I have much to be grateful for was needed in that moment. I’ve mentally returned to that moment and the unexpected gift of gratitude for nothing more serious than temporary setbacks and other changes I will learn to incorporate into my life as 2024 winds down.

We aren’t immune to feeling like life has handed us a lot to face in our lives with cancer and maybe even feeling sorry for ourselves at times, especially when even more is thrown our way. This year, one that has been fraught with big sadness and small setbacks, I am grateful for the abundance of steady love that remains and for the people who lead us to hope and gratitude.

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