A Letter From Your Son (That You’ll Never Read)

This is a poem based on my personal interpretation of my husband’s experience while he cared for his mother who was diagnosed with breast cancer and who later passed away from bone cancer.

Everyone always feels sympathy for the person who is sick, but no one truly realizes how deeply sickness impacts those who are suddenly the appointed caretakers.

Caretakers are expected to stay strong and radiate positiveness and be there no matter what. But what they truly feel inside, they often feel like they cannot express without a feeling of guilt.

I wrote this poem to give a better insight into the inner turmoil that a cancer diagnoses creates in the son as the caretaker.

A Letter From Your Son (That You’ll Never Read)

I watch you dwindle

And turn into a hollow shell

Once you were vibrant

Outgoing loud and extrovert

This sick version of you resembles

a lifeless limb

You promised me the world

And gave me my happy childhood

Now I watch you melt away

From being the strongest woman

To being a shadow of your former self,

A wisp of a mom

Drooping sagging skin folds

Hide that humor that used to

One up me and embarrass me

In front of my friends.

Leading to warmth and laughter

And our sense of home

Reading pamphlets and countless books

and listening to the experts talk

I will never give up hope

Even though you have

I am so tired

Of holding on to hope for us both

I feel deflated

I feel so defeated

So angry within

At myself mostly

Feelings of uselessness

I feel truly powerless

I will always choose you

Make no mistake

I love you

I am all you have left here

And I want to offer you dignity

Be proud of me and what I have become

My battle is with myself

With the system that falls short

For no longer do I have funds

to be assured of your comfort

Gone are your dimples on those apple cheeks

That I used to teasingly squeeze

Astronomical prices to pay

Experimental treatments

Which offer no guarantee

Logistical nightmares

Like driving

In endless circles

Why did this have to happen

It is so unfair

To you

To us

To me

To our world

As we move with the motions

On this perpetual off-balance scale

All we have is now and each other

If only just for now

But I feel like

I have already lost myself

This poem was written and submitted by Hylain Rackley. The article reflects the views Rackley and not of CURE®. This is also not supposed to be intended as medical advice.

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