WENDY S . HARPHAM, M.D.

WE SURVIVORS ARE INUNDATED with the message: “Be hopeful!” Unfortunately, that universal rallying cry doesn’t help us know how to find hope or what to hope for.

I’m a 28-year survivor of multiple recurrences of non-Hodgkin lymphoma who, after ongoing illness forced me to stop treating patients as a medical doctor, turned to writing and speaking to educate, comfort and inspire others facing this illness. In my recent book “Healing Hope — Through and Beyond Cancer,” I offer insights and tips about finding healing hope: namely, hope that helps you get good care and live as fully as possible. Here are some of those tips.

1 Make sure that what you’re hoping for is based on sound information. 

Dangers arise when hopes are based on inaccurate information. For example, scientific studies indicate that exercise can ease cancer-related fatigue. If tired patients hope that strict bed rest will help, they may lie down all day — and unwittingly worsen their fatigue. Here’s the kicker: Hope based on misguided information can feel as uplifting as realistic hope. By learning the facts about what you’re hoping for, you avoid the danger of investing in hope that feels good but leads you away from beneficial actions.

2 Write down your realistic hopes and prioritize them

. I remember my distress while facing recurrent cancer and wanting to avoid more chemotherapy. What helped me most was this realization: More than I hoped to avoid additional chemotherapy, I hoped to receive the treatments that would give me a good chance of survival. With those hopes in mind, I then weighed each option’s risks and benefits for me. Whatever the challenge, focusing on your toppriority hope galvanizes the courage and clearheadedness needed to make the best decision. Making the best decision increases the chance of the best possible outcome, which, in turn, strengthens your hope of the best outcome. Hope begets hope.

3 Ask yourself: “Is my hope helping me think and act in healthy ways?” 

If not, let it go and invest in more healing hopes. The big surprise for me was discovering that some of my realistic hopes were not healing. For example, while undergoing diagnostic tests, I hoped for the same thing as everyone else: good news. Well, that hope never helped me. If anything, it made me feel more vulnerable and impotent and somewhat responsible when I got the news I’d feared — as if I hadn’t hoped right. I found a more healing hope. Now, throughout my evaluations, I repeatedly tell everyone, “I’m hoping for accurate news &mdash; news that can help me most.” Look how this hope helps: It gives me a sense of purpose that drives me to hold still in the scanner, producing more accurate results; it stirs patience, because I want my doctors to take their time scrutinizing the findings; it lessens the shock if the results are what I feared; and it prevents despair by framing upsetting results as “useful” news and silencing an inner voice trying to blame me. I still hope for good news, but I push that hope to the background and keep my hope for accurate news center stage.

4 Focus on short-term hopes that motivate you to action.

 In general, try focusing on shorterterm hopes, such as getting through the next cycle of chemotherapy, instead of finishing treatment. Concentrate on hopes that involve outcomes you can influence, such as the hope that you are eating well instead of the hope that treatments are working. In your efforts to find healing hope, remember:

• There is always something healing to hope for.

• You can expect one thing and hope for another.

• No doctors can take away hope unless you let them.

• Reality-based hope is stronger than hope based on wishful thinking.

• If there is a chance of the desired outcome, you have reason to feel hope.

Hope is like a medicine that can heal or harm, depending on what patients are hoping for. Let’s change the conversation about hope by talking about what we’re hoping for and which hopes matter most to us. Let’s discuss how to find and strengthen hopes that help us think and act in healing ways and how to avoid hopes that might lead us astray. In every situation, hope matters. With healing hope, we can live our best life today, tomorrow and every day.

WENDY S. HARPHAM, M.D., FACP, is an award-winning author of eight books on survivorship and a 28-year cancer survivor enjoying her longest remission. She is also a member of the CURE® advisory board. Her latest book, “Healing Hope — Through and Beyond Cancer,” offers these insights and tips, along with many others, in an innovative format that features illustrated aphorisms. Learn more at wendyharpham.com.

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WE SURVIVORS ARE INUNDATED with the message: “Be hopeful!” Unfortunately, that universal rallying cry doesn’t help us know how to find hope or what to hope for.
 

'Healing Hope' After Cancer

 piece on curetoday.com that rattled me like no other. Let me state up front my fervent belief that there is no single “right” way to raise children through a parent’s cancer.  And parents must find the best approach for their family — something only they can determine. That said, I feel compelled to write about the benefits of telling children the truth even when it hurts.

Mom’s Cancer Diagnosis: Tips for Families with Young Children,

 the author shared her belief that not always telling the truth was essential to achieving her ultimate goal: protecting her three daughters from the stress and sadness of her cancer. As I was reading, the author’s determination, resilience and love for her family poured out of my computer screen. Her desire to shield her children reminded me of my own Momma-bear instincts to protect my children, who were only 1, 3 and 5 years old when I was diagnosed.

I suppressed those instincts, with hope of achieving my overriding mission: to help my children grow up into healthy and happy adults, 

. For me, the best way to serve that mission through the challenges of my survivorship was by establishing open communication based on a bond of trust.

My decision to always tell the truth was supported by child-life studies showing that parents can’t keep children from observing the changes at home and drawing conclusions. The truth couched in love and hope empowered me to shape their perception of reality in life-enhancing ways. Open communication meant I could guide them to healthy ways of dealing with life’s hardships and uncertainty, and they could always come to me with their questions and concerns. My illness offered me a platform to teach them in the most powerful ways the values and skills I’d want to teach them if I’d never been sick.

That decision to always tell the truth led to something almost magical: Parenting became easier. And, unexpectedly, my search for words to help my children led to life-enhancing insights and mantras that helped me as a patient. 

 Perhaps the most convincing argument for telling the truth comes from my children. As described in 

, my children have insisted that what helped them most was my telling the truth. They never worried that we were hiding something from them. Growing up in a home where nothing in the world was too scary or awful to talk about or deal with together gave them an outlook on life built on confidence, resilience and hopefulness.

My 10 tips are premised on the promise to your children that you’ll always tell the truth:

3. Prepare them for expected changes in the coming weeks.

4. You are receiving excellent medical care.

5. You will always try your best to get better.

6. You will help them deal with whatever happens.

7. Their needs and hopes remain as important as ever.

Since children’s candid reactions to unwanted news are healing for them, but painful to witness…

8. Provide children a safe place to express whatever they are feeling.

9. Find a safe place away from the children to share your feelings about their pain.

It is now 25 years since my diagnosis. My cancer encouraged my family to know both the fragility and the hopes of life, and with that knowledge to live most fully.

The greatest gift we can give our children is not protection from the world, but the confidence and tools to cope and grow with all life has to offer. The truth sets us free, even when it hurts.

Wendy S. Harpham, M.D., is a 25-year survivor of multiple recurrences of lymphoma and the author of 

When a Parent has Cancer. A Guide to Caring for Your Children

 (HarperCollins), which received a 2006 Book of the Year Award from the American Journal of Nursing. A profile of Wendy and her ongoing work in behalf of long-term survivors appeared in 

magazine. Harpham is a member of CURE’s advisory board.

What is the best way to handle a cancer diagnosis as a parent? While there may be no definitive answer, Wendy S. Harpham weighs in.

WENDY S . HARPHAM, M.D.

'Healing Hope' After Cancer

Column: Helping My Children Grow Strong Through My Cancer

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