Rick Siefke

It may be a child with a broken arm, a spouse with a knee replacement or a friend with a debilitating condition. It could be a neighbor with a mental illness, a family member with cancer or a war-injured veteran. It could be time-limited or an ongoing need. Regardless of the illness, injury or disease, caregiving needs are ubiquitous. Yes, it’s part of parenting, marriage and friendship – but it’s still caregiving. As Rosalynn Carter wrote over 25 years ago, if you haven’t been one before and you aren’t a caregiver now, you will be some time in the future.

By definition, a caregiver is any person helping another person to care for themselves. Such care is always physical and emotional but can be spiritual too. Caregivers can be health care professionals being paid to provide the care, those who are privately hired and everyone else doing so as a volunteer. Be it formal or informal, paid or unpaid, friend or family, to the young or elderly, caregiving is a service being given to someone in need. It is setting aside your needs to help another. Caregiving is kindness and compassion in action.

Being a caregiver can be challenging, time-consuming and fraught with frustration. While not every caregiving situation is the same, the number one recommendation by every organization providing guidance and support to caregivers is simply this: take care of yourself first.

The obvious reason for this advice is that if you don’t take care for yourself first, you won’t be at your best as a caregiver nor be able to sustain yourself in that role. Self-care is knowing your limitations and not exceeding them. It’s doing things you enjoy that rejuvenate yourself. And self-care is learning to do new things that make caregiving easier.

Here are a few more suggestions to increase caregiving success:

1) Be proactive. Anticipate needs and plan ahead.

2) Be patient. Don’t expect everything to go as smoothly or as quickly as you would like. Don’t allow frustration to cause contention.

3) Forgive yourself and the person receiving your care. Mistakes happen. Things are forgotten. Words are often spoken without thinking. Apologize if needed or forgive and go on.

4) Let go of anger. No caregiving relationship is improved by remaining angry. Learn to express these feelings when appropriate and with whom it is best to do so. Then move ahead.

5) Be a good listener. Pay attention to non-verbal cues. Look for the meaning of things not verbalized. Ask for clarification whenever needed.

6) Stay focused on the here and now. Give 100% of your attention to your duties. Set aside your issues and deal with them later – but deal with them.

7) Share the responsibilities. Get others involved. Learn to delegate. Lighten your load.

8) Attend a support group or join one online. It’s cathartic to express feelings and concerns with others. They can offer intuitive suggestions and understanding support.

9) Remember, asking for help is a strength, not a sign of weakness or failure. Don’t allow feeling overwhelmed to interfere with success in your role. Get help.

10) Be sure to care for yourself. Eat well. Get lots of rest. Exercise daily. Find and enjoy humorous things. Laugh a lot!

The following organizations provide caregiving information and resources:

AARP Family Caregiving – (877) 333-5885

Caregiver Action Network – (855) CARE-640

Family Caregiver Alliance – (800) 445-8106

The National Alliance for Caregiving – (202) 918-1013

National Volunteer Caregiving Network – (512) 582-2197

VA Caregiver Support Line – (855) 260-3274

In addition, there are many national organizations that are diagnosis-specific such as the American Cancer Society – (800) ACS-2345. They have information tailored to the caregiver of someone living with cancer.

November is National Family Caregivers Month. But one month of honoring those who provide loving attention and compassionate care to another is not enough. Most caregivers do not get the recognition their caregiving deserves. So, another suggestion to enhance being a caregiver is to acknowledge to yourself that you are valued as a caregiver and regardless of how little thanks or honor you are given, you know it is needed and appreciated by many. In other words, treat yourself lovingly the same way you care for another… and do it year-round.

For more news on cancer updates, research and education, don’t forget to 

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A retired oncology social worker shares some helpful tips for being a supportive caregiver while also maintaining your own well-being. “Caregiving is compassion in action,” he writes.

10 Helpful Tips for Cancer Caregivers

Cancer is not a taboo subject. Yet some people treat it as so. At a time when close relationships are invaluable, some people struggle, wondering “What should I say? I don’t want to make them feel bad. I don’t know what to do.” Underneath these feelings may be fears related to mortality.

Such concerns may result in dodging the subject in conversation. Sadly, some may even avoid their friend altogether. As a result, a common sentiment among cancer survivors is that having cancer really tells you who your friends are.

Here are some suggestions to overcome this reluctance:

1. Don’t avoid visiting. Call your friend. Tell them you’d like to come visit. Ask when a good time would be.

2. Be a good listener. Pay attention to non-verbal cues such as eye-contact, facial expressions, gestures, appearance, volume, tone and speed of speech, mood and demeanor. Use those cues to guide your visit and discussion.

3. Use “I” messages. For example, express your thoughts and feelings like this: “I’m so glad we have a chance to talk,” or “I’m thankful we can be together,” or “This is very hard for me. I can only imagine what it’s like for you, please tell me about it,” or “I’m concerned about you,” or “I’d love to help. Tell me what you need.” “I” messages enhance communication and creates understanding.

4. Avoid questions. Of course you want to know all you can but imagine how many other people are asking, “How are you doing?” or “Are you okay?” or “How’s your treatment going?” Asking questions may result in very brief or one-word responses which stifles spontaneity. Open-ended statements help the dialogue flow. For example, “I’d love to hear how you are doing,” invites them to share what they want. Seeking clarification helps too, such as, “Tell me more, I want to understand.”

5. Use the power of touch. A soft hand on the arm or shoulder says, “I care about you. I’m here for you. I want to help.” Touch invites closeness.

6. Speak normally. Talk like you always do. When needed, a soft voice conveys care and concern. Loudness can be seen as controlling or insensitive. Rushing the conversation suggests impatience, even wanting to leave.

7. No distractions. Turn off the cell phone. No multi-tasking. Leave your life issues at the door. Be 100% focused on them.

8. Don’t be in a hurry. Plan your visit to stay as long as needed to listen, to help, to give support – to be a friend.

9. Follow through. If you commit to do something to help, do it. Failure to do so may be interpreted as being unreliable. Granted, things can change. If you can’t fulfill an obligation tell them why. Then reschedule it or get someone else to do it. Being dependable strengthens friendships.

10. Don’t visit just once. Tell them, “I’d love to come again. When would be a good time?” If appropriate, leave their home and do things together. Make being with them just like you would have done before their diagnosis. Nurture the relationship.

For the cancer survivor whose friend(s) haven’t called or visited:

1. Break the ice. Call your friend(s) and tell them you miss them, that you’ve been diagnosed with cancer and you want to tell them about it. Offer several suggested times that would be good for their visit.

2. Be candid. During their visit share your cancer experiences, your feelings and needs. Give them the opportunity to be the supportive and understanding friend you believe them to be.

3. Create a “to do” list. When they ask how they can help, show them the list. By doing so, they can choose for themselves and you won’t worry you’re asking too much.

4. Thank them. Tell them how much they mean to you and invite them back.

Having been diagnosed with cancer intensifies the need for caring, loving friendships. Make the effort, it’s worth it! Having the support of friends and family makes the journey so much easier.

A retired oncology social worker offers several tips on supporting a friend who has cancer, as well as ways to ask for support as a patient with cancer.

Rick Siefke

10 Helpful Tips for Cancer Caregivers

Cancer and Friendship

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