Joe Bullock was diagnosed in May of 2018 with stage 3b colorectal cancer after a routine colonoscopy at age 50. During the colonoscopy his GI doctor at Duke Cancer Center found two polyps and a 1Ocm tumor in my colon. He had surgery to remove the tumor, and the surgeon reconnected his colon, and he had 40 lymph nodes removed. Three of those polyps tested positive for cancer. 

After surgery Joe underwent treatment with two forms of chemotherapy. In February, 2019 he became known as NED (no evidence of disease). He always says for cancer survivors being NED is like a gift you don't know how to unwrap but you are grateful to have it.

Over the last couple of years Joe has been working on finding his voice in the cancer community. He has begun living by the mantra " Cancer might be done with me but I'm not done with cancer."

Joe Bullock

These are some facts from the National Institute of Mental Health about depression and cancer. It's known that one in four people who have or had cancer also experience depression. It can happen at any point during your cancer journey. For some people, depression starts soon after diagnosis. For other people, it can start in the weeks or even months after cancer treatment ends. There is also a 50/50 split between men and women who may be facing depression after a cancer diagnosis. It is also known that about 60% of the people who have depression don’t seek professional support, in part because of the stigma of depression.

If you had depression in the past, you are more likely to experience it again after your cancer diagnosis. For me, it was a mix of all of the above and something that was very unexpected but over the years, I have gained a better understanding of what may have caused it. This is more of a personal reflection because depression can hit people differently and the treatment options for it can vary.

I remember when I was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer six years ago, it was like I was a deer in the headlights. I had faced depression for different reasons before being diagnosed with cancer. During those times, I pretty much taught myself to gut through it on my own. Because of the stigma mentioned above, I just found ways to mask any of the emotional pain that I might have experienced in my life before cancer. One of the ways I masked my depression was through food. One of my favorite things I have always enjoyed doing would be cooking a good meal and sharing it, especially with family and friends.

Being someone who has struggled with obesity most of my adult life, I would use food as that device to seemingly recover from any depression I felt in the past. I would typically begin feeling guilty for using overeating as a way to overcome the depression I was feeling at that moment. Food for me was a way to find comfort and it didn’t help that I was a pretty good cook by most people’s standards.

To try to get past those moments of depression I would usually talk with a friend or get encouragement from my wife. I would then choose a healthy alternative to get me back on track, whether it was going to the gym to work out or just eating healthier. I found that the depression that came with cancer would hit differently, and I couldn’t find comfort in the one thing that always helped me get past it.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was known as the “good patient,” and I followed my doctor’s orders. I just gutted through my cancer surgery and recovered like a champ. I just stuck to the plan we had for me to survive cancer, and I still found food to be my source of comfort, but it wasn’t until I started chemotherapy that things went off the rails.

Two of the major side effects of chemotherapy were nausea and loss of appetite. I was given the anti-nausea drugs to combat some of the side effects but because of the loss of the sense of taste, I slowly lost the desire to eat. I no longer had the one thing that helped me battle my depression in the past because I found that food was no longer a comfort to me. I found that I had to force myself to eat because if I didn’t eat something before my daily doses of chemotherapy, the nausea would be much worse for me. The food that I seemingly enjoyed I couldn’t enjoy anymore because nothing tasted the same during chemotherapy treatments.

I used to think it was the chemotherapy and cancer that was causing my depression. I do believe it accounted for part of it, but I have learned it wasn’t the main factor for me. One day, I was sitting in my oncologist’s office waiting for his report before I went for my scheduled chemo treatment that day. When he entered the room, he quickly noticed I had lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time. I just wasn’t eating very well because the chemotherapy had taken that desire from me. When I ate, it became a burden and nothing tasted good to me. I forced myself to eat, which wasn’t something I was used to doing. He saw how sad and worried I was about my cancer, but he said my weight loss was starting to affect my blood counts. I remember him telling me that being treated for cancer wasn’t a weight loss plan. He encouraged me to eat regularly so as not to lower my blood count because if I couldn’t get treatment, I couldn’t beat cancer like we had planned. I had to stick to the game plan to beat my cancer.

On that day, my oncologist asked if a therapist could come into the room and visit me. Even though I felt embarrassed, I allowed her to visit that day and we started talking. I found that just talking about my feelings at that moment began to help me let go of the depression a bit but because of that stigma, we still had a lot of work to do.

I would continue to meet with my therapist regularly for a few months even after finishing treatments. We found that talk therapy was a great way to combat the depression I was feeling because of cancer. I also started working with a nutritionist to rebuild my relationship with food but that would take a while to rebuild even after treatments were finished. The key to battling depression was finding the right treatment plan or protocol which can only happen from a trained professional.

Today I am six years cancer-free but I still struggle with many of the aftereffects of cancer treatments including my relationship with food. I am lucky enough that because of organizations like Colontown.org and manuptocancer.org I have built a community of friends to support my mental health journey with cancer. Talk to your medical team to find the support you need in the battle against depression as it relates to your cancer diagnosis.

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Before receiving my colorectal cancer diagnosis, I had experienced cancer. However, my depression felt different during treatment. 

Bringing Awareness to Depression and Cancer 

The month of August has always been a harsh reminder of what I went through after being diagnosed with stage 3b colorectal cancer six years ago. I was shocked to be diagnosed at age of 50, which is still young considering the average age for diagnosis for this type of cancer is 66 years old, according to the American Cancer Society.

I find that there are many emotional and physical scars linger with me, especially after going through surgery to remove a 10-cm tumor from the sigmoid region of my colon, reconnection of my colon and then learning that the cancer had spread to my lymphatic system after finding out that three lymph nodes test positive for cancer. Then I found myself facing six months of two forms of chemotherapy to prevent a recurrence of the cancer. That was followed by five years of regular screenings to make sure the cancer had not returned.

While short in its timetable, I know that my cancer experience can be traumatizing for anyone, and the guilt of survivorship can be emotionally scarring. It’s been a process to go from feeling completely guilty as a cancer survivor to a space of complete gratitude.

As we know, there is an increasing number of men and women being diagnosed with colorectal cancer under the age of 40. It is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths for men and women combined, per the National Institutes of Health. I have known many young adults and even children die from this disease.

Today, like many cancer survivors, after being cancer free for over five years I struggle with my own existence as I move forward in this life; I have looked to find the right path in my survivorship. I am not someone that really connects with the science or research in the cancer space. It has always made my brain go sideways. But as a layman, I see its importance for the survivorship of others today. I have been given many opportunities over the last couple of years to share my cancer story to urge pharmaceutical companies to continue to seek a cure for cancer. I have worked with organizations like manuptocancer.org, Fight Colorectal Cancer and the Colon Cancer Coalition to ask our government representatives to pass bills to fund more cancer research.

I think we all have our own strengths as human beings, and mine seems to lie within the area of emotional support to those in the fight with cancer. On a daily basis, I use my platform as the COO of the nonprofit Man Up To Cancer and my work with colontown.org to offer patients with cancer emotional support, as well as directions for those newly diagnosed with cancer. It is something that brings me purpose today as a cancer survivor. I’m grateful to be here to offer it.

As the years have gone by, I find myself not to be as focused on the guilt of being a cancer survivor but more so the support I can offer from the experience I have gained from this journey. One thing I have told myself over the years is that cancer might be done with me, but I’m not done with cancer.

After being cancer-free for five years, I struggle with my own existence. However, I find meaning in helping others through their cancer experience. 

From Survivor’s Guilt to Gratitude

Over the years, I feel like sometimes my body is just a cancer road map after being diagnosed with both colon and skin cancers six years ago at the age of 50. I was shocked to learn that on average every person is born with less than 3% of cancer cells in their body and that is considered normal levels.Those just are not active cells, but when they are its like the awakening of a sleeping monster.

About 25 years ago, a doctor told me during an annual physical that an undescended testicle could be cancerous, and I should have it removed. He said that I could have cancer present in my body with no symptoms. He also informed me that it was my decision and told me of the risk of not removing it could lead to it becoming cancerous. I decided to undergo surgery to remove it and the biopsy found no cancer. An MRI procedure also showed no cancer spread and ruled out testicular cancer. That was the first time I ever heard the word cancer.

Over the years, I have had friends, colleagues and family members die from the disease.So many people are impacted by cancer in some way, either as a patient or caregiver. I honestly was shocked when I was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer six years ago after a routine colonoscopy that found a 10-cm tumor in the sigmoid region of my colon. My oncologist also noticed a spot on my face that I could only describe as a hard irritated pimple. He advised me to visit a dermatologist to get screened. The spot on my face was determined to be a form squamous cell carcinoma. The summer of 2018 quickly became known as my “Summer of Cancer” as I underwent procedures to remove both cancers.

Today, I continued to do follow-up screenings for all the cancers I have spoken about above, as well as my annual PSA for prostate cancer screening as part of my annual physical. All of this is done to keep the cancer from invading my body any further. I also spend much of my time speaking and advocating for men to do the same.

I am proud to say that today I’m the COO of an organization called 

 that encourages men to get screened for the prevention and early detection of cancer. Our No. 1 mission is that men who are diagnosed with cancer choose not to self-isolate while battling the disease. Studies show that a patient's mental well-being can impact their approach and overall treatment of their cancer. They don’t have to face this disease alone because we have a Facebook group called The Howling Place group with almost 3,000 male members. This is where men can receive peer to peer emotional support in the battle with cancer. We also have additional programs for our members such as a chemo care backpack program, regional chapter groups for local meet ups and an annual retreat. All of this is to support patients, so they don’t have to face cancer alone.

If you know a man facing a cancer diagnosis and needing support, send them our way. My email box is always open. To learn more about our programs visit our website manuptocancer.org

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From a testicular cancer scare to colon and skin cancers, my body is a roadmap of my cancer experiences.

My Body Is a Cancer Road Map

I have learned over the past few years since surviving colorectal cancer that it is OK to allow your heart to break. I used to fear the emotional heartache before cancer, but now I expect it, especially in the cancer community. Unfortunately, it’s become one of the new norms in my relationships over the years because of this disease.

A friend of mine in my cancer community died a few days ago at such a young age. Although we met through social media, I did get the great opportunity to meet him in person last year at a gathering of male cancer survivors and patients at a retreat. I do consider that a complete blessing to have known him, even though my heart has broken over this unthinkable death. His family has been shattered and his young son no longer has a father. I can’t even imagine the heartbreak his wife must be feeling at this time. I know he held all those relationships close till the very end.

I spent a few days before his passing pre-grieving because I knew it was only a matter of days before his passing. It's a technique that I have unfortunately gotten used to as I face so many deaths of my friends in the cancer community. It's like when I was a kid, and I would wait for a bully on the playground to hit me. You learn to brace yourself before that happens because you know it is coming. Then, you get the breath knocked out of you and find yourself on the ground. You don’t get up in fear of being hit again and wait to be rescued by a teacher on that day. I think that describes death and cancer in many ways. Cancer being the bully and the relationships I have built over the years to be the one to rescue me.

If I have learned anything as a cancer survivor, I learned that you can’t go through it alone. You need people in your life who can relate to this type of pain. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I very rarely told another person I loved them. Today, I end most of my conversations on a daily basis in that way because we honestly don’t know how much time we may have together. I have many friends who can be one bad set of scans away or a failed last line of treatment away from death. It’s much like my young friend whose death I mentioned earlier because it happens way too often.

Many people often ask me how I get through times like these because the loss can be so great within the cancer community. The simple answer is, I choose to because I find it's another act of love. I do find several ways to get through these moments, although you never really get over anyone's death. I do find that talking with others can help and, at times, seeking the support of a grief counselor. I find writing in a blog like this about a person’s passing can be very therapeutic and helpful for me. I know the men in my cancer support group will meet together over a Zoom call just to remember that person’s life. We shared laughter and would find ourselves in tears remembering that person with great love and admiration.

Unfortunately, grieving has become something I have had to face too often as a cancer survivor, but I won’t let it stop me from offering the support I give every day in the cancer community. It's very true that love conquers all, even in facing death of a friend in the cancer space. It’s a heartache that I have learned to accept but it's never easy and you can’t get through it alone.

Experiencing losing a friend to cancer in the cancer community is never easy, but it’s OK to allow your heart to break.  

Joe Bullock

Bringing Awareness to Depression and Cancer

From Survivor’s Guilt to Gratitude

My Body Is a Cancer Road Map

Allowing Your Heart to Break as a Cancer Survivor

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