Ian Macleod

When I reflect back to that 34-year-old version of myself, and that very ambitious gentleman thinking about what I what I know now is I would say, I'm enough.

I always had this thing that I had to be the best, instead of just being satisfied with trying my best. I was raised to be an individual— the standout. Race to the top. That's kind of what we're conditioned to understand that although I'm one person it's the togetherness. It's the 

 that really makes this life so special. It takes a village to raise a child, as they say, and it takes an army to really survive cancer.

That's just those that are praying for you and those doctors and nurses and your caretakers and your children, it takes everybody — all hands-on deck to take care of you. And so, if everybody's taking care of just one person, that that kind of puts us in a position, not even a responsibility, but just a wonderful opportunity for us to take care of each other.

I deeply have learned over these times that we truly belong to each other. We’re all walking each other home. And I think that resonates with me, because I used to see myself as here and now, look at everybody in the eyes.

Everybody suffers in their own way, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and especially cancer patients suffer. Like I went through all the stages where physical, mental, emotional, and I would just say just be patient with yourself. And that loving kindness is so essential, especially because I spent many seasons laying in the fetal position, you know, and nausea for nine months, is that I wish I just told myself, this too shall pass. It is so temporary.

When you're in it, you can't see it when you're in the fire. But the whole point is you just got to keep showing up. Take your breath by breath, and trust, trust that you're meant to be here. And especially when you become a survivor, I was broken for, you know, four or five years I just felt like a broken person that it takes time to put that back together. And you know, I think part of the healing begins when you start to see that you can seal every experience with gratitude. I know for myself; I speak at certain events with other patients and I'm a cancer patient advocate now and helping patients breathe through the pain instead.

I've learned that I'm grateful I got cancer. It has a stigma when I say it, but it's to say that most of us have an aha moment in life when we're maybe in hospice and we go, “Okay, this what life's about.” At 34, I have another chance to live the rest of my life with a consciousness that there's great purpose in the pain. There's, there's beauty in the brokenness, if we just learn to sit in it and understand that this is this cancer, this illness. It's part of your journey.

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“At 34, I have another chance to live the rest of my life with a consciousness that there's great purpose in the pain.”
 

CURE Community Vlog: Having Great Purpose in Pain After Cancer

During this self-quarantine time, it can be easy to get lost in our thoughts and emotions if we’re by ourselves. We might feel alone.

There is an idea that when things go bad or things are falling apart, we typically run the other way. We dive into things that will distract us or keep us feeling happy, instead of really sitting with those things that make us feel uncomfortable.

I typically teach a simple practice. Meditation is considered difficult, but I really believe everyone can meditate because everyone can breathe.

In 16 seconds, we can really bring our consciousness to the present moment. So, just breathe in and out. Then, as you breathe in through your nose, belly and chest, that is an in-breath. As we breath out, that is an out-breath.

We breathe in, out for 16 seconds. Breathe in for four seconds, pause, for four seconds, exhale for four seconds and hold for four seconds.

For 16 seconds, if we put our attention in our breath, all of the sudden, we’re not focused on the future or the past. We’re right here in this moment.

It’s stringing together all of these breaths — 16 seconds followed by another 16 seconds. I do a morning and afternoon meditation for a few minutes. It’s a small practice that is just science, but it allows us to cultivate the ability to be with ourselves, to really look within and go “You know, who am I in this isolation? What are the things that I’m holding onto that no longer serve me? How do I empty what is full and how do I fill what is empty?”

You can start to feel like you are enough. We feel very compelled at this time to create, get stuff done. I’m guilty of going through my bills and doing spring cleaning. This is the period where I get everything done and when they open the gate, I’ll go out in the world and I’ll be ready.

But that can also create a constriction that leads to disappointment because we can’t do everything. Some days I think, if I get up and I make my bed, and I play with my children, and I read a book and I walk the dog. That’s enough. I should just be kind to myself and know that it’s enough to just be here.

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“In 16 seconds, we can really bring our consciousness to the present moment.”
 

Ian Macleod

CURE Community Vlog: Having Great Purpose in Pain After Cancer

CURE Community Vlog: Breathing Techniques to Use During Quarantine

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